talking to god

The title of my last post was something like "In the broom closet", but I didn't really say anything about being in the broom closet. Well I am. Ms. Red Hair knows that I flirt with these ideas, but I don't talk to her much about it. I have little to say, and she's far more interested in politics than religion.

Not that I would try very hard to hide it, either. The books sit out on my desk at work, from time to time. My daughter sees me carrying them around. My parents, I'm guessing, took note of them on one of their visits. I don't think anyone will ask, and if asked, I plan to dodge the question via a joke. I just don't particularly want to explain myself.

Lately, the last several weeks or months, I've been talking to god. God. As I mentioned before, I was brought up in a basically secular home, but my family identified with Christianity in the vague way that secular homes in the US often do. I knew the story of the birth of Jesus, and we celebrated Christmas and Easter. As a kid, I talked to God sometimes. I wanted to have a relationship with God, like a friend that was always on your side and always there, but not within the confines of church, where I was uncomfortable and unconvinced.

Now as an adult, I talk to that same god. God. (capitalized?) I'm not strictly monotheistic, but I really only communicate with the one guy. God. And he's definitely male. Many pagans out there talk more to the goddess than the god, and I don't deny her existence, but she, the moon or the ocean that she is, remains a distant figure. The God in my comfort zone is the god of sunlight and trees and the broad blue sky, while she is the goddess of the moon and darkness and the ocean, wide and deep and endless. I like his brightness and brilliance. I like his sunlight, and that is how I think of him. The bright star in my sky.

Like a true LA resident, I talk to god most often in the car. Sometimes I initiate the conversation to give thanks, but most often I'm asking for help.

I've decided it's time for us to interact more, god and I. There needs to be less begging for help here, more open communication. I've made an agreement with myself to spend 15 minutes each day having a daily scheduled chat with myself and the natural world. I will commune with god or goddess, or myself or whatever happens to come my way.

There's a creek on the property where I work a full time job. I went down for 15 minutes this morning, for my first commune.

I set the timer on my phone for 15 minutes. It seems like I shouldn't set a timer, that it should all happen organically and naturally, and for that matter I should have more than 15 minutes to give, but I've got a schedule and this is the way life is. I set the timer to make a cricket chirping sound when it went off so it wouldn't completely yank me out of the experience.

At first I just sat.

Saw things. listened. a bumblebee. Water running slowly down the creek bed. waving moss. children at the school 75 feet away, playing at recess. A rock or a marbled egg that later turned out to be a leaf. A dead unidentified plant that turned out to be not so dead because I later noticed tiny green leaflings shooting from the browned stump.

I kind of thought, should I say something to god? With the water nearby it seemed more like goddess territory, and I felt her presence more than his, as I was sitting in dappled shade. I sent out a very vague, meek "hi" to the world. And then my left leg started to get twitchy.

I get restless legs at the worst times.

I was initiated into the first level of reiki (there's like a terminology for it but I can't remember that right now) a few years ago. Ms. Red Hair wanted me to perform it on Curly Sue, who we both fear has some spiritual and psychological scarring. I haven't done reiki in a while, but it seemed the right time. I placed both hands on my left leg. Concentrated on breath and breathing. Then it all started to come together. Breath and breathing, the reiki, the bumble bee, the water, goddess and dirt.

I started repeating blessed be over and over in my mind. I like these words, although at the wrong times they come across as corny to me. But I kept repeating them, like an amen, and I felt right and sane and whole.

After only 15 minutes I felt like I'd done something. Like something had happened to me. I felt energized and rejuvinated.