changes inside

Today I went earlier for Commune and there was no sunlight by the creek. It's a different place at 8:30 in the morning. It seems sleepier, as if the plants, like me, are still waking. 

Today I just sat and observed. There weren't many deep thoughts running through my head, except that I noticed the instant relief as soon as I was there. Similar, though not entirely the same, as the relief I feel when I sit down on the bed to go to sleep at night. Also similar, sometimes, to the experience of drinking a good glass of wine. One could become addicted to Commune. 

Curly Sue stole something from a boy at school yesterday. We've been dealing with this a lot, and believed that this was getting better, so last night was a bad night. Curly Sue had been earning back a lot of privileges that she had lost a long time ago (due to stealing). Now these privileges were taken away and everyone was feeling tired and disheartened.

I'm from a family that self medicates. When we're anxious, we drink. Actually, we drink for lots of reasons--because we like to drink, and to celebrate, to socialize, to enjoy the experience of drinking. I believe in alcohol. I mean, it's kind of a spiritual experience in my family. My mom and I talk about different kinds of beer the way that some people talk about different television shows or books they liked. 

I know that this can be taken too far. Some people might think this sounds sick. Maybe it is.

Lately I've been worrying that I'm self medicating too much. I don't think I'm an alcoholic, but I know it can go that way if one's not careful, and beer and wine are too good to be wasted on bad times.

And last night was the kind of night when I would have had a couple glasses of wine. But I didn't. I had some tea. I felt...just fine. Inside. Those shrieking voices in my head, the anxiety voices, were quiet. Even though there was fighting in the house and unhappiness and disappointment. I felt strong. Not happy, but strong. 

And then that relief this morning during morning Commune...which made me realize that I'm doing something good for myself. And I don't want to waste wine on bad times.